How Not to Beat Yourself Up
In the past week, many of you have shared with me about the pain you are feeling from beating yourself up.
Some of the following may sound familiar:
-You're frustrated with yourself for not being enough of "this" or too much of "that"
-No matter how hard you work, you're never satisfied
-You're stuck about something and your inner bully is having a field day
-You beat yourself up for not being able to stop beating yourself up
As a go-getting woman, you're an achiever. You're used to doing things well and right. You've got high expectations: of the world, of others...and of yourself.
This is a beauty that you bring: a thirst to bring quality to the world with full presence and full follow-through.
So why does this same quality end up feeling like a self-imposed torture chamber? What's going on here and how do you make it stop?
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The swashbuckle approach
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Have you noticed that trying to drive away the beat-yourself-up voices mostly doesn't work? You've tried fighting them, banishing them, reasoning with them, dousing them with affirmations, but still no dice. They're back again the next day or the next minute with the same old messages.
It's like battling that multi-headed monster from mythology who grows a new head every time you cut one off. The analogy is no mistake- beating yourself up feels that gross and ugly. And trying to make it stop is just as futile.
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Sidestep the swashbuckle
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Because you're a spirited woman full of energy for big dreams, big goals, and big expectations, those never-enough voices are probably not going to go away. They may lessen or intensify depending on what's going on in your life, but they'll always be around in one form or another.
It's the pesky off-shoot of being a powerfully creative woman with a constant yearning to bring more quality and value to the world. On a certain level, you can never catch up with yourself!
You're not a freak when you're not able to get rid of the tendency to beat yourself up or want more from yourself. In fact, trying to get rid of this tendency is a no-win proposition which drains your energy and sucks your spirit.
So what do I suggest you do about the bully voices? Absolutely nothing! You don't have to overcome them, stop them, outsmart them or transform them. Feel the relief of the idea of letting that burden go. Ahhhh.....
But if it's not about getting rid of the bullying voices, how do you lessen the pain of them?
What you need is an Anchor...
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Anchors away
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Take a quick minute to walk through these steps:
1) Remember a specific moment in your life when you felt inspired, lit up and in your element. Go with the first moment that pops up rather than fishing around for the "right" one.
2) Take yourself back to the moment and re-live it in detail. Notice your surroundings- the environment around you, the temperature of the air, any sights and any sounds. Now notice the feeling of being lit up and in your element- what's turning you on? What are your thoughts? What do you see? What are your sensations?
3) To give this moment an Anchor, give it the first name that pops into your head. A client who loves to play in the garden called her Anchor "Dirt Lover". A client who comes alive with the feel of setting sun on her face called her Anchor "Sun Baby".
4) Next time you are pestered by a bullying voice, say, "Hey bullying voice, I see you", then leave it alone. Now grab for your Anchor. Go back to your Anchor moment and juice up those feelings again. After a few times, you won't even have to time travel back, you'll be able to conjure the sensations on demand.
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How the Anchors work
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Each bully encounter is an opportunity for you to strengthen your Anchor. The bully voice may not go away, but you'll be beefing up a different kind of muscle- the muscle of your inner wisdom. As you continue to connect with your Anchor, you'll notice it has a certain flavor of wisdom...
The Sun Baby anchor connected my client right in with a quality of calm and serenity that she naturally carries. The Dirt Lover anchor connected that client to a feisty, roustabout quality that is at her core and that brings a certain kind of wisdom to her business when she calls on it.
You have many Anchors. The more you flex the muscle of them, the more you bring their wisdom and energy to your business.
And in the meantime, those bully voices are over there doing their thing, but who cares. Look at this shiny inner wisdom over here!